Delivered From Fear and Filled With Love

If you are living with crippling fear and anxiety, there is hope. If you are living in a place of dark depression, there is hope. If you are living with a resentment and bitterness that won’t leave your weary soul alone, there is hope. If you are experiencing any stronghold in your life, no matter how long you’ve fought, there is still hope!

This is good news, and what makes this great news is that this hope is not dependent on you or anything you can do. It does not depend on your behavior or your prayer. It does not depend on your religiosity or your repetition of memorized verses. This hope comes from Jesus who is in the business of supernatural peace and joy, comfort and love, repair and restoration.

Below is my dad’s testimony about how the Lord delivered him from a crippling fear and filled his heart with a love for others that dispelled the bitterness he held onto for many years. This was not an immediate transformation, but an extended exercise in trust and a release of religious formulas.

If you are struggling with a stronghold in your life I pray this 20-minute video will bring you hope. I pray you will believe deep down that this road you’re on will open to a space of freedom you have never imagined. I pray you will hold onto the hope that this journey leads to a strength far greater than anything humanly possible and that one day you will find glorious healing and wholeness. I pray that you will take rest in knowing that someday peace will come over you “like warm oil.”

I’m thankful for my dad’s vulnerability in sharing his testimony. His transformation has given me the courage to face hardships in my life a thousand times over. The work I’ve seen Jesus do in my dad’s life continues to keep me open to work that is yet to be done in my own.

I encourage anyone who has experienced supernatural intervention to share openly as a way to give God the glory and to bring expectancy of a brighter future to those who find themselves in the pit of hopelessness. Let us remind each other of the victory that lies ahead!

 

12 Tips to Read More Books

Have you been setting the same New Year’s resolution to “read more books” for years now? Are you wondering how you can possibly find time to fit reading into your already extremely busy life? I had set the same goals and wondered the same thing for years. I finally found a rhythm in 2018. Some of these tips may apply to your personality type and some may not. Take what you can and leave the rest.

  1. Read more than one book at a time – If you ever have FOMO or wonder what else you could be learning, what goal to attack next, what knowledge could change your life, then read more than one book at a time. If sitting still is difficult and your foot is constantly tapping, then read more than one book at a time. If you have many interests, many hobbies, many passions, then read more than one book at a time. If you have a job for 1 year and immediately begin wondering what you could learn next, do next, how you could grow and develop, then read more than one book at a time. If you bore easily, then DEFINITELY read more than one book at a time. I remain motivated and eager as I switch from spiritual to career development to self-help to memoir to psychology to a fiction that can take me away from it all.
  2. Have a bathroom book – For goodness sakes, leave your phone in another room and if you have kids, lock the door! A bathroom book allows for guaranteed reading time. Depending on how many cups of coffee or tea you drink throughout the day, you may have more reading time than others! A little time is better than no time.
  3. Set a goal for each time you pick up a book – I am goal-oriented and easily incentivized. Deciding an end point and reaching that end point creates a little hi-five party in my head. If a book has short chapters, I decide that every time I pick it up I will read 1 chapter. If it’s a book with long chapters, I’ll read to the next page break. If it’s my bathroom book, I read 2 pages. Side note: Thank you to all the authors of books with short chapters. Your books allow me to celebrate often and make me feel so capable!
  4. Write a review when you’re done – Writing a review of the books you read is like keeping a list of your accomplishments. I find it fun to write reviews on social media and/or goodreads.com, but it feels just as good to write them in a journal or in a document on your computer. If you’re a list-maker, this is an action that feels like you’ve crossed something BIG off your list and at the end of the year you can see just how much you accomplished.
  5. Read books recommended by people you love – Sharing the love of books with friends and family is an excellent way to connect. I have found that discussing books with others often helps us to dive deeper into each other’s lives. Conversation with depth leads to relationships with depth.
  6. Wake up earlier – I recommend doing this in small increments so that it feels less challenging. I began the year waking up just 15 minutes earlier so that I could do a little reading before the kids woke up and now I’m up 30 minutes earlier. My goal is to be awake an hour earlier by the end of the year. This has been the biggest and best habit I have changed so far this year. This routine has absolutely changed how I feel when my kids wake up after me. I’ve already had my quiet time and I feel more prepared for the chaos of the morning. I am a more patient and present mom when I give myself this time. 
  7. Choose and create an inviting space to read – I begin my mornings by making myself a hot chai tea that smells like cinnamon and vanilla and all things lovely. I turn on enough light to read by and I light 3 candles in different areas of the house so there’s just a flicker of light wherever I look. I am not exaggerating when I say that there are moments I feel like I’m on a retreat. These magical moments of relaxation help me to remain grounded throughout the day.
  8. Underline, highlight, write in the margins – I’m a note-taker and have always enjoyed the study required in school settings. I’m more likely to remember what I’ve read and have more take-aways when I engage with a book the way I used to when I was a student. With my highlights and notes, not only am I more likely to remember the content that I valued, but I can also easily re-read it, search for quotes I loved, and write my review.
  9. Buy a book you can hold – I know many people (including my husband) will laugh at me and call me old-school, but I love the feel of a book in my hand. I love being able to see the layout as I flip through the pages. I love the cover. I love the way a new book smells. I love that a new book goes from firm and clean to worn and seasoned expressing how loved it was in coffee stains, highlights, notations, dog-ears, etc.  I love being able to look at my bookshelf and quickly pull something out to refer to when I’m writing or having a conversation or working on developing a skill. In addition, tip #8 is easier for me to do in a real book.
  10. Bring a book with you – Almost anywhere we go these days, waiting is involved. I get a lot of reading done in airports, planes, Urgent Cares, waiting rooms, restaurants, etc. I’ve found myself changing my chronic habit of being a few minutes late everywhere I go, to being a few minutes early all in the hopes that I will arrive before the others and get a little reading done while I’m waiting. 
  11. Put the iPhone away – If you’re sitting down to read, put your iphone in a place it cannot be easily accessed. Increased distraction will inevitably come with increased accessibility. I am amazed how quickly the minutes disappear as I scroll “real quick” through Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. If I put my phone out of reach, I easily get 10-15 minutes more of solid reading in.
  12. Make reading a must – On the Happier podcast, Gretchen Rubin recently said that if you feel like you “must read,” then you will. This is what it feels like to me now that I’ve been doing it every day for over a year. It’s as natural as, “I must eat something” or “I must use the restroom.” It’s just a thing that must be done during my day because it’s as much a part of my routine as any other necessity.

    I hope you find at least 2 or 3 of these tips helpful. Reading has brought me so much joy and I hope you’ll find the time to let all those amazing books out there do the same for you! I wish you all the best in making reading a must and may you throw many mental hi-five parties! 

9 Tips for People Who Hate Running but Want to Do it Anyway

Do you suspect that people are lying when they talk about a “runners high?” Do you wish you knew what all the hype was about? Are you willing to do something you hate just to see if a habit really can be created in 21 days? Maybe you’re just looking for something that you can do outside that is free and good for your health.

For many years I made goals around running, hoping I would catch the fever, but it just never stuck. I was following what I believed to be the traditional advice yet it never worked.

I finally stopped trying to BE a runner and just started doing what worked for me. Below are the things that finally clicked, including lessons I’ve learned along the way. Enjoy!

1. Don’t spend a fortune on new running shoes

Shoes from a store that specialize in their ability to find you your best running shoe (including a treadmill diagnostic and undoubtedly a pair of $75 custom-made inserts) will not make you faster, and more importantly, they will not make running more enjoyable. In fact, it may end up that you experience buyer’s remorse and twinges of bitterness as you continue to despise running while staring down at your $200 running shoes that have completely disappointed you. Stick with those $60 Nike’s on sale at DSW and feel the freedom of a smart purchase propel you forward.

2. Have a reasonable goal

Don’t start running with a goal around speed or distance or weight loss. With goals like these, you are more likely to push yourself to that familiar place of: running hurts, running sucks, I’m terrible at running, I run so slow, I may as well be walking, I hate running, and so on. Find a goal that will motivate you, such as: I’m going to run so that I can get 38 glorious minutes away from my beautiful, wonderful, energetic, needy, overly verbose, nerve-gnawing, button-pushing children, or I’m going to run in the hopes that I get to see my cute neighbor mowing the lawn (single ladies only), or I’m going to run to escape the fishy smell infiltrating my house thanks to my husband’s new Paleo diet, which calls for a salmon salad every day. Make running serve you!

3. Don’t fart without checking behind you first

It might just be me, but all the jiggling and wiggling created while I run makes me gassy. It didn’t take me long to learn that “real” runners are stealthy ninjas that sneak up behind you without a sound and they have uncanny timing! If you think it’s safe to “release” the discomfort, remind yourself that you’re probably not alone.

4. Listen to something that transports you

If music takes you to another place, then by all means listen to music, but don’t discredit the value of other listening pleasures. Music pumps me up, but it’s not enough to remove the obsessive, “I hate running” thoughts that drum out with each step of my affordable shoes. However, when I listen to podcasts I can almost forget that I’m running. Whether it’s music, a podcast, a book on tape, a running meditation (this is for real), or whale sounds, find something that takes your mind to a place where it’s not screaming, “why are you doing this to me?!? This is awful! I hate you and your stupid goals to get healthy!”

  5. Wear cute clothes

Expensive shoes don’t make running more enjoyable, but cute clothes do! As you run for 30 seconds (during your 5-minute walk, 30-second run rotation), you’ll feel stylish and think to yourself, “everyone driving by right now thinks I’m a real runner.”

6. Apply baby powder to your inner thighs

This tip is especially true on hot days, when you’re wearing shorts, and/or if you just shaved your legs.

7. Use the bathroom before running (especially important if you have given birth)

7a. Do yourself a favor and map out large bushes and empty canals as your back-up plan

If you must resort to your back-up plan, please refer to tip #3…#ninjas

8. Stretch before running

My son made me add this. I’ve literally never stretched before I run, but he’s right, a good stretch is just plain practical.

9. Keep running

Claim victory over your running nemesis! When you hear yourself thinking, “maybe running isn’t the WORST thing in the world” or “I would rather run than have to handle the mess that results in a 2 year old pooping in her bath,” or “I’m pretty sure I would prefer running over breaking my toe or stepping on a Lego,” then you are approaching a great transformation!

Happy running and may you one day shockingly say, “I want to go running!”

Thirty Minute Therapy

I’ve been in and out of therapy since high school and with the extensive internal work I’ve done, I recognize pretty quickly when it’s time to go back. I feel my irritability rising and my joy plummeting. I hear my self-talk turning against me. I see my days through a shadowed lense and I know it’s time. I identified these patterns a few months back, but had to put off making an appointment due to extensive work travel and financial shifts in our household.

I finally made an appointment two weeks ago with a brand new therapist and yesterday was the day. I woke up expectant. I felt energized knowing that I was about to pursue something that would lead to personal growth, self-reflection, forward progress, and overall evolvement. I love therapy!

The day had come and I was prepared for my appointment. As I ran out the door, I shoved a little yellow sticky note into my purse with a list of things I wanted to address while in therapy:

  • Grief and anxiety triggers
  • Career path and purpose for my life
  • Relationship with my son
  • Self-esteem and confidence
  • People pleasing

As a full-time working mom, I give myself enthusiastic mental hi-fives when I arrive anywhere on time. I was 2 minutes early! Yay me! I walked into the office at 10:28am feeling confident that I was about to begin a journey of self-discovery and healing. Just moments after I reached the front desk, the therapist came around the corner. I eagerly introduced myself, but immediately felt hesitation from her. She shook my hand, while studying me quizzically and said, “weeelllll, it’s going to be a veeerrry short session because your appointment was at 10am.” And that, ladies and gentleman, is when everything shifted.

The air was sucked out of the room, I instantly felt heat travel from the tips of my toes to the top of my head, color flooded my cheeks, and I began to sweat. I was frantically searching for words that would explain this mishap and convince her that I’m not irresponsible and undependable. I immediately convinced myself that I was being deservedly judged and that this woman disliked me before we even met. As we walked back to her office I was still stuttering through apologies and promises that it would never happen again. I even declared obvious untruths such as, “this never happens!” and “I never do this!” Obviously, it does happen! Obviously, I do this! My hope and excitement for transformation just minutes earlier were completely replaced with self-loathing and shame.

For the first 15 minutes of our session she explained Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy and what I could expect as we move through the process. I did not hear one word! As she was explaining how we would address my grief triggers, my inner dialogue was shouting loud and fast. The monologue inside my head was saying with disgust, “she already doesn’t respect you, you’re going to have to find another therapist, there’s no way this is going to work, she’s judging you and thinks you’re irresponsible, obviously you ARE irresponsible, how could you get this wrong?, what is wrong with you?, if you can’t even get a time right on your calendar she must think you’re an idiot, it’s your fault this isn’t going to work, now you’re going to have to find another therapist and start this entire process over, you are such a disappointment, you let others down, you let yourself down!!!!” and on and on and on. I could see her lips moving, and catch a few words here and there, but for the life of me I could not focus on what she was saying. Her voice had no chance of drowning out the self-shaming roar inside my head.

And then (thank the Good Lord), I had a moment of clarity!

From the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of my little yellow sticky note sitting in my purse, and I remembered that 2 of the items listed were to address my self-esteem/confidence and people pleasing.

That brief visual prompted me to consider: What if this is the beginning of my therapy? What if this is my opportunity to grow? What if I choose the hard thing and stay with this therapist instead of running away because my pride is injured and I’ve decided she hates me? What if I silence that lying voice set on repeat by breaking the script and deciding that I am allowed to make mistakes without beating myself up? That I am allowed to be human. Allowed to disappoint someone and still be respected. Allowed to confidently pursue friendships and professional relationships even with all my flaws fully in tact. Allowed to move forward after a failure without shame digging it’s nails in. Allowed to be imperfect. Allowed to be me even if it means I can’t please all people all the time. What if this veerrry short session ended in a verrry valuable lesson? What if I decided to lean into the idea that I am likable, I am loveable, I am worthy, and simultaneously, I am a flawed human!

I decided right then and there that I was not going to look for another therapist. I decided right then and there that this was simply an eye-opening example of how often I’m controlled by the intense desire to please other people. I decided right then and there that moving forward with this therapist would mean I would have to forgive myself and begin embracing the idea that relationships can and do move forward even after I’ve disappointed someone. 

After I made this decision I was instantly able to tune into what she was saying. I became present and engaged. Soon, I left the office feeling like I had quietly conquered something inside me that had attempted to sabotage my efforts to move towards health and healing, growth and transformation, hope and joy. I left feeling proud that I didn’t allow shame to chase me away from something I knew my heart and soul needed.

I want to encourage everyone reading this to join me in paying attention to what that critical voice is saying and how it may be holding you back. Let us acknowledge that this voice developed somewhere in our past as a way to protect us, therefore there is no need to criticize or judge ourselves for its existence. Next, let us make bold new choices based on the present moment to move forward with self-love, confidence, and freedom.

We are wonderfully and beautifully made. We are flawed, we are human, we are loved. 

Dear Parkinson’s. Dear Mom.

Dear Parkinson’s

 

You will not have my mom.

You may take her outer strength,

but her inner strength blooms on.

You may take her voice,

but her love is loud and strong.

 

You may change her movement,

stiffer, and sometimes slow.

Fatigue may settle in,

and changes surely show,

but her spirit still shines large

and her beauty only grows.

 

You may be the reason

that she stops to take a rest,

but you can’t keep her heart from

pouring out kindness.

Our hero and our warrior

forever more, never less.

 

She’s mightier than you

in soul, and guts, and heart,

a solid pillar of peace,

you cannot pull apart.

No disease can steal the grace

that she perfectly imparts.

 

No amount of symptoms

could change her legacy.

No illness diminishes that

she’s all I want to be.

No consequence of aging can shrink

my mom, my hope, my peace.


Mom, you recently asked a dear friend about your value and belonging now that you have Parkinson’s. You wondered about your purpose as you struggle with no longer being able to serve others in the ways you always have. I am here to tell you on behalf of everyone that has ever known you, that your value and belonging have never been defined by what you could do for others. Your value and belonging have ALWAYS been defined by who you are and whose you are.

You are the most Godly, loving, kind, generous of spirit, selfless, peace-giving, and gracious person I’ve ever known. Parkinson’s will NEVER take away all the lovely and life-giving qualities that make you who you are!

What you’ve always given and continue to pour into your family is an everlasting love…a grace that surpasses a lifetime…an agape love that has wrapped itself around each of us for eternity…a kindness that is warm and unconditional…an endless lesson of how to care for others with compassion and servanthood.

My hope has always been and will always be that I could grow each day to be more like you. This prayer doesn’t change as you struggle with the symptoms of Parkinson’s. Parkinson’s can’t steal your value…nothing can! Mom, your value isn’t in how much you can do…how many hours you can help…how many “yes’s” you can say…how many brownies you can bake (although those are amazing!). Your value has and always will be the beautiful fruit of the spirit that you display every day of your life. Your value has and always will be the heart and spirit that God created in order for you to love others in ways they’ve never been loved. Your value has and always will be from a Father who loves you as mightily now as he did the day you were born.

You must know, and more importantly, believe that your family values you as much today, in this moment, as we did when you fixed breakfast every morning, sang us to sleep every night, attended every choir concert and ball game, took us school shopping, and helped raise our children. It has never been what you do for us…it has always been about how you love us. The love that pours from your soul has not changed with Parkinson’s, and no disease could ever steal our love from you. You belong. You are valued.

There truly are not words to describe how proud I am to call you mom. Jesus is Love and so are you! The love you share shines bright into the hearts of those who know you and that light is passed from person to person eventually touching people you’ve never met. The light you have imparted in other’s lives will never extinguish, nor will the legacy of your life.


My Mom

 

Love pours from her so fiercely

as she wraps you in her peace.

Her arms are warm and steady,

kindness plays across her face.

 

She holds you up in prayer,

puts you first, because that’s love.

Serves hope with steady wisdom,

points our eyes to Him above.

 

An image of perfect grace.

A heart that wants to serve.

She gives with all she has,

wanting nothing in return.

 

She’s strong and full of beauty.

Wise and believes the best.

She quickly finds your worth.

Chooses service over rest.

 

Forgiveness given freely,

no judgment does she bring.

She looks to help others heal,

chasing out shame’s sting.

 

She’s mighty and she’s humble,

powerful and kind,

She’s everything I hope to be

I’m so blessed that she is mine.

 

My perfectly made, lovely, beautiful mom.                                                                                           

                                                                        

 

 

 

Fostering Refugees – The Stigma that Scared Me

A few months ago, at the height of reports showing kids being separated from their parents at the border, Pete and I came across an opportunity that immediately felt like a calling. We were encouraged to apply for a license that would allow us to foster these children until they are reunited with their parents or sponsor family, and we both were immediately on board. Since we submitted our application we have completed 15 hours of in-person training, approximately 22 hours of on-line Foster Parent College training, and amounts of paperwork that exceeded all reasonable expectations.

Last night we finished laying our hearts and our home on the line for a 4-hour foster home inspection and family interview.

Things that went well:

  1. We’re now one step closer to offering a temporary home to the kids separated from their parents at the border. My heart is singing!
  2. Our house is cleaner, safer, and more organized than it has ever been before. Good luck opening any of our cabinets ever again. If you need surgery, we have a platinum 250 person first aid kit that will SAVE YOUR LIFE! If you’re on fire, head on over and we’ll extinguish it immediately!
  3. Pete and I feel closer as a couple after exploring our past, present, and future, our strengths and weakness, and our hopes and dreams for 4 hours with a complete stranger.

Things that could’ve gone better:

  1. We could’ve done without the live scorpion on Isaac’s bedroom curtain during the SAFETY inspection!
  2. Could’ve done without our Jack Russell fishing through the case workers purse to eat her hair clip.
  3. When I answered that we had no weapons, Isaac could’ve forgotten (just like I had) that I have a Samurai sword from a leadership conference many years ago. #compassionatesamurai
  4. Isaac and Sonoma could NOT have played their new giggle-inducing game, which consists of them repeating the words, “you’re a bad mommy, you’re a bad daddy.” #kidsarehilarious
  5. Isaac could’ve avoided using EVERY innocent toy as a weapon of some sorts. The Minnie Mouse blow dryer turned full pistol last night!

We know we’re on the right path and answering a calling as none of this feels burdensome. We are thrilled for the next step and to minister love to these kids at a time of such trauma and fear and loss. #allgodschildren

Last night was also the first time we made our decision public by posting on social media. Until last night the only people we had shared with were immediate family and those we asked to be our references.

Since my post last night I have had quite a few people reach out wondering when we made this decision. I’ve been thinking a lot about why I hadn’t made our decision public until now.

The first reason I haven’t been openly sharing this decision is because I didn’t want it to look like or feel like we were seeking accolades. I knew a lot of our friends would be excited for us and I didn’t want our decision to move forward, when the movement got tough, to be influenced by the desire to please others or make others proud. I truly felt like this was a calling from the beginning and I didn’t want to be motivated or feel pressured by external sources.

Secondly, and sadly, I have been tentative to share our decision because of the negative reactions I feared we would receive from some. Due to the polarized climate we currently live in I was worried that our commitment to foster kids that have been separated from their parents at the border would require us to defend ourselves. I have heard so much hateful rhetoric throughout the year that paints immigrants as nonhuman and undeserving of love and kindness, compassion and grace. I could barely stomach the idea that our decision may be received with this level of vitriol…or any level of disappointment whatsoever. I was preparing myself for conversations with people I love and care about that would strip away my respect for them. I was arming up for debates on what “kind” of child “deserves” help. I was expecting heartbreaking backlash from at least a few people in our lives and I was afraid of how our relationships would weather the storm. But, the truth is…once an issue is made personal, hearts often soften. Once there’s a face we can touch, and a hand we can hold, putting a voice to a highly debated and sensitive issue, the dynamics begin to shift. Civility is often restored when the matter in question lands in our own backyard.

We have received an outpouring of love and support since my post last night and although it appears that some are more excited about our decision than others, there hasn’t been any nastiness or uncomfortable pushback. I must admit that I didn’t give the benefit of the doubt and for that I’m sorry. I hope our decision will help bring a name and a face to the debate around the border. I hope our decision will humanize this issue versus politicize it. I hope our decision will remind us and others of the inherent value of all people regardless of ethnicity, country of origin, race, color, religion, etc. I hope and pray our decision will be heart changing and maybe even life saving for all of us who are a part of this process.

A Daughter’s Response to an Ageless Father

My dad wrote the authentic and vulnerable poem below about his experience with aging and his hope in the Lord. I’m thankful that he gave me permission to share his poem on my blog. I’ve added a poem I wrote to him in response that he hasn’t yet seen. Dad, your influence reaches far and wide and my love for you is boundless. Thank you for allowing me to share your words with others…thank you for your courage in being open about how it feels to grow older. I learn so  much from you and mom every day!

Shrinking Man

Possibilities and dreams
the world was full of them it seemed.
Now my options fading fast,
life much smaller than my past,
Shrinking man.

Lovely wife and precious kids
Love my God for all he did,
Still feel his love as time flies past
But it remains a fact, alas
Shrinking man.

Influence fades as we get old,
Once sought for wisdom, now just told,
Powerlessness seems to creep in slow,
A mocking sense it brings of woe,
Shrinking man.

So on HIM I fix my gaze,
As my person fades away,
A day will come when I shall die,
And then I’ll see the reason why,
The process isn’t bad you see,
It’s just the path to victory.
With joy I’ll rest in His embrace,
Forever I’ll behold His face
Thanking Him eternally
That I will no longer be,
Shrinking man.

– Ron Little (my dad)


Larger Than Life – A Legacy of Love

My dad, my rock, my shield, my strength
grows bigger in my eyes, not weak
His heart expands, his wisdom grows
to soak it in, I draw close

In his eyes and in his deeds
God’s growing love is what I see
Each day, each year that passes by
his courage builds before my eyes

He shares his doubts, his fears, his pain
with an open heart he faces change
a vulnerable glimpse he offers us
a friend, a father, a man I trust

I’ve watched my dad grow in the Lord
evolve and change moving forward
a human life with sin and grace
reminding me I have a place

So, to my dad I want to say
as your “person fades away”
who you are to me remains
the many who taught me how to pray
A day will come when you will die
and I’ll always know the reason why
you loved the Lord with so much might
encouraged me to keep my sight
on the One of love and light
You will never be small to me
You will only be more free

– your daughter